I suspect

that familiarity dissipates diplomacy in a marriage and that is what sets it on a path to destruction. Wounds to ego become too deep and too many for vulnerability and connection.

I also suspect that renewed tact may help to rescue it, all else being equal.

One can also move past an intractable marriage diplomatically. Hats off to those who do.

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Change

This new project is stretching me in ways I’d never imagined. It’s terrifying and wonderful and overwhelming.

change treeI can feel my brain adjusting neural pathways as its pushed to produce strange connections at faster speeds. There’s a soreness in my soul as its pulled in different directions, increasing my flexibility and resilience.

This is what growth feels like.

It’s not the warm and fuzzy expansion that self-help sites praise, as though we’re cocooned in soft silk before metamorphosis and gentle fluttery emergence.

No, this is the systematic breaking down of the very fabric of my being, as life hurriedly reforms me with the finesse of a toddler reshaping a cracking lump of Play-Doh. The older I get, the more cracks accrue and the more pieces fall away, but I’m still changing. And therein lies the beauty of this messy business.

My change is eternal. My atoms will reassemble after death and continue their shapeshifting until the end of time. Perhaps our experience of change is the closest we get to immortality.

grumpy hopeful

grumpyhopefulI’m tired of hiding indoors shooting daggers at clouds, and am ready to burst forth into the orange glow of summer. I snapped this pic while taking an ‘outdoors break’ from work today. Maybe the photo was motivated by narcissism because I felt a kindred connection?

This rather large, ugly, brown bush has just a couple blooms, and hints of tender foliage, trying to ease their way through thorns for a glimpse of the sun. I stood there staring at it for a good few minutes — the plant masked in dull bark, and me in drab work clothes — both of us drinking in the fresh air. A plant and a person, grumpy hopeful, awaiting spring.