Are your faders all the way up? I’m proud of myself for doing breakfast radio today, despite feeling so ill I would prefer a punch to the throat. And I was rewarded for my steadfast work ethic with a free practice session afterward to amp up my mixing board skills. While I was slapping at faders and dials like a baboon learning to read, I realized that how I program a desk is startlingly similar to how I’ve been living my life:
I’ve been so focused on trying to find ‘the sweet spot’, not too loud, not too quiet, that I’ve missed out on the freedom that comes from jumping to extremes.
Do you grapple with this kind of perfectionism too?
Sure it’s great when everything’s ticking along nicely, but the terror that comes from anticipating glitches dampens my enjoyment of the great. As soon as I succeed with one project, I’m already predicting possible failures for the next so I can pivot around them. It would be one thing if staying in the middle groove were fun, but it’s exhausting! So f*ck it. Here’s to a newfound bravery to take bigger risks, consequences be damned. Because in those failures will be a sweet release from perfectionism, and an acceptance of myself independent of accomplishments. So let’s see what happens when we jam our faders all the way up! Sometimes it’s good to live loud.
Funny how the fact of being related creates a deep vulnerability. It doesn’t seem to matter whether family members like one another or not. Just the experience of living together makes you love each other. And as you grow up and grow apart, that bond remains. So when something bad happens, even when they actively court misery, you suffer right along with them.
And when they’re swollen with joy, you delight in the bright moments too. It feels like having a part of your life, a part of your brain, completely uncontrolled and at the mercy of their folly. Such is the force of family, I guess. We’re along for the ride no matter how hard we try to maintain perspective or distance.
Realizing this, I take my own happiness more seriously. Because, as it turns out, it’s their happiness too.
woke to birds chattering through my window, a cool breeze, warm sky, and persistent moon. throwing off the shackles of yesterday to feel weightless in this moment.